Help! My Dad’s Girlfriend Wants Me to Apologize for What I Said About Her Kid. She Can Keep Dreaming. (2024)

Over the next few months, we’re helping you round out your summer reading lists by asking some of our favorite authors to step in as Prudie for the day and give you advice. This is part of ourGuest Prudieseries.

Today’s columnist is bestselling author Julia Phillips, whose bookDisappearing Earth was a finalist for the National Book Award and one ofThe New York Times Book Review’s 10 Best Books of the Year. Her latest novel, Bear, hit the shelves this week.

We asked Phillips to weigh in on disastrous housewarming parties, a fashion faux pas, and being the friend who listens:

Dear Prudence,

I just bought my first place and proudly hosted a get-together to celebrate. My father decided to spring his new girlfriend and her 12-year-old kid on me at the party. I was too busy trying to host and make sure there was enough food to be more than annoyed at this. My house isn’t exactly child-friendly and I have a lot of breakable stuff plus two elderly cats.

They were chilling on the landing to the second floor when the kid asked if he could pet them. I told him they were not very friendly to strangers and to leave them alone. The little brat decided to ignore me and chase the cats into my bedroom, then he locked the door and tried to drag my cats from under my bed. Instead, my cats scratched him up and he ended up knocking down my bedside lamp and breaking it.

It was that noise that alerted me. I got upstairs and pounded on the door. The kid was crying and I was pissed. I went to the mother and asked if they would kindly leave. She got defensive and tried to blame my cats and said her son was just a “kid.” I said that if he were 3, I would understand, but given that he was 12 and apparently can’t follow simple directions or have the common sense not to wander into a stranger’s bedroom and lock the door to harass my pets—it was time for both of them to go. It was almost a scene but my father had enough sense to hustle them both out.

Now the girlfriend wants an official apology and I told my father that will happen when she pays for the lamp her kid broke. This entire scenario is just stupid from start to finish. Other than just avoiding my father (because he has always been glued to the hip of his many girlfriends ever since my mom died), what are my options here?

—Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

This sucks. The surprise new girlfriend, the uninvited guests, the 12-year-old cat chaser, the almost-scene…What a stressful way to mark the happy occasion of buying your first place. I feel for you, Annoyed, I really, really do.

The important relationship you need to negotiate here is with your father. Your options in this scenario are:

• Tell him you are still upset about how things went at the party and would like to take a break from seeing each other for a while.

• Tell him you are still upset and would like to see him one one-on-one, without his girlfriend or her kid, going forward.

• Tell him you will see him either not at all or only one-on-one until you receive a lamp payment from his girlfriend. (This, to me, is a bad-faith proposal. She’s not going to pay you for this lamp. And do you really want her payment, anyway, so you can think of her every time you turn your bedside light on?)

• Tell him that you are willing to put the party behind you, proceed without either apology or lamp payment, and see him with his girlfriend and her kid, if they’re willing to do the same.

• Tell him that you will apologize to his girlfriend and her kid, even though you don’t believe you’re in the wrong, because you are OK with falling on your sword in order to stay connected to all three of them.

Do any of these seem possible to you?

There’s one more possibility I can suggest, but it goes beyond this particular housewarming party, to the roots of the rage. I’m a big fan of therapy as a way to dig into what’s going on deep inside us. And I read, in your letter, a deep ache. You write about the party, the girlfriend, the kid, the cats, the door, the lamp, but your annoyance—no, your anger, your immense anger—is at your father. Your father who has been glued to the hip of his many girlfriends ever since your mom died. Your father who keeps letting you down. That anger is bigger than two sweet cats or a bedside lamp, and it’s causing you to spiral, making you call strangers’ kids “little brats” and ruining your celebrations. It doesn’t have to be this way. You are living right now in the absence of your parents’ care, but you can care for yourself. You can, with help, work through your years of frustration and sadness. You do not have to keep carrying this pain.

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Dear Prudence,

I’ve recently started going out with a guy who, while extremely sweet, has no idea of how to dress himself. He goes to the same chain every couple of years and just gets 10 of everything he needs—jeans, chinos, shorts, long socks, sports socks, t-shirts, long-sleeve shirts, button-up shirts—all in black. He does not wear underpants ever and, no matter how cold it is, will never wear a sweater or jacket. He keeps all of these treasures in two baskets labeled “clean” and “dirty.”

I really like him and admire his relentless focus on simplicity, but people do comment and it’s a shame that he doesn’t always look his best. How do I gently nudge him to get more adventurous about his fashion sense? He’s a bit like this with everything in his life, cutting away complications so he can focus on the things he likes, so I am a little scared that he may come to see me as a “time sink” if I start pushing him to do things he considers to be a complete waste of time and energy (he’s definitely “on the spectrum” and is adorable and adventurous).

—Too Sexy for His Shirts

Dear Too Sexy,

The idea of jeans without underpants always gets me—those stiff seams! But you and I will have to live with our discomfort, because the answer to your question is, unfortunately, “you don’t.” You are not going to get this person to change his fashion sense, in the same way that he, if he tried to encourage you to buy 10 of everything you need at the same chain and keep it in labeled baskets, would not succeed. You’re two different people, with your own ways of seeing the world; despite how much you really like each other, two different people you shall stay.

Now that I’ve refused to give you a satisfying answer, I’ll go one step further. (Aren’t you glad you wrote?) Intimacy exposes our insecurities. You’re still getting to know him, and you’re a little scared, you say. I get that. The solution you propose here is for him to dress more adventurously, but would that really reach the root of what you’re worried about?

This situation—not just how he keeps his clothes, but the whole thing, how he’ll see you, how other people see you, what happens when you go out with someone new—is out of your control. And that breeds anxiety. Doubts about your own value. Fears of what’s to come. Unfortunately, those won’t go away by convincing someone else to wear red. Instead, you’ll have to keep reflecting on what is making you so uneasy here. Is it that you don’t trust his judgment? Or that you’re embarrassed by him? Is it that, standing next to him, you see yourself in a worse light? Or is it just the routine tension of entering a new partnership?

My mother-in-law once gave me this fabulous advice about long-term relationships: Whatever annoys you about your partner will get 10 times worse in 10 years and 50 times worse in 50 years, so think now about what you can live with and what you can’t. When you imagine being with this guy down the road, and he’s in the same chinos and sports socks, and people are commenting, how does that sit with you? Is it a life you’re willing to lead?

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Dear Prudence,

My best friend “Laura” is currently deployed abroad but we are very close and talk constantly. When I visited her, she introduced me (36-year-old gay man) to her junior colleague, “Ken” (30-year-old gay man). Ken and I hit it off, talked every day for six months, and made plans to go out when he came to my city. Laura heard this from both of us and constantly encouraged it. Ken visited, we went out with his friends, and…it didn’t go well. Ken chatted up a stranger on the street, got his number, and invited him to join the group later that night. I left when the guy showed up and afterward, I told Ken how disrespected I felt. He refused to take any responsibility, said he could get attention from interested guys, and ignored me for a week because I was “mad at him.” I was hurt and felt like I’d wasted time and emotional energy.

My problem is with Laura. When I told her what happened, she brushed off my being hurt, said Ken had a history of being “self-centered,” and kept talking about changing how I approached dating and self-esteem. I was floored. She encouraged me to talk to Ken because it was a “miscommunication.” She claimed she is “neutral,” but every interaction is fraught—I think the “right guy” at the “wrong time” is the wrong guy for me, I think she should’ve warned me about Ken being “self-centered,” and I don’t think I need to examine myself because Ken was childish! I told her I couldn’t discuss him anymore and tried to enforce that boundary. But I feel like a trust has been broken. I’m concerned about how to talk with her while she’s abroad. What do I say? Do I write an email because phone calls haven’t worked? Can this friendship be saved? Help!

—Far From Friend and Far From Over It

Dear Far From Friend,

Oof, oof, oof. It just feels terrible to be in this fraught place: connecting with someone who lets you down and struggling to communicate with a friend.

At this point, you’ve expressed yourself to Laura and she’s responded. You wish she’d warned you off of Ken; she, I imagine, is caught between competing loyalties. I hear in your letter a desire to get through to her, to make her understand just how hurt you are and bring her over to your side. Perhaps you’re thinking that her allegiance should be to a friend over a colleague, or that it’s obvious Ken was in the wrong. But it sounds like the situation isn’t, to Laura, that straightforward. It’s very possible that you did already make your position on this ill-fated relationship with Ken crystal-clear to her, and she just doesn’t agree with your views.

I don’t see how telling her again how you feel, in an email rather than a call, will repair the friendship. Rather than reach out to her to rehash things, take a breath, take a step back, think it over. OK, you don’t want to examine yourself when it comes to Ken, fine. Can you instead examine yourself when it comes to Laura? Are you capable of continuing to talk with her even if the two of you never see eye to eye on how this one tough week went down? Can you accept the idea that she views you differently than you view yourself? I’m genuinely asking you the same question you put to me, because the way you yourself think and act will determine the answer: Can this friendship be saved?

Dear Prudence,

I’m a person (37 F) friends go to for advice, support, or to talk things out. I think I do OK because they keep coming back. It makes me happy to help the people I care about. But I need to talk through things, too. I don’t mean therapy issues. More, “I’ve had a terrible day at work,” or, “I’m feeling lonely.” It’s not all the time, but when I need to talk, there are no listening ears. Friends say, “I’m so sorry,” and change the subject. Initially, I got sad, but more recently, I’ve tried, “I could use someone to talk to about this a little more,” and they say, “Sorry, I just don’t know what to say.”

I get that not everyone’s good at talking. But it’s everyone. I don’t know if the problem’s with me. Do I expect too much? Am I needier than I realize? This lack of reciprocity is causing resentment that I don’t want. I either need to figure out how to get support, or how to live without it.

—Too Good at Talking

Dear Too Good at Talking,

God, I’m so sorry. Well, now that that’s done, on to what happened to me today…

No, truly, I am so, so sorry that this is the dynamic. How heartbreaking. To give your friends this patient care, and then get nothing back! No wonder you feel lonely. It’s not asking too much to have a friend who listens, who doesn’t change the subject, who responds to what you’re telling them instead of deflecting. You are that friend to people, and other people ought to be that friend to you.

You asked if the problem here is with you. It might be! (Though I don’t see it in your letter.) But, listen, everyone’s a problem sometimes, all of us can struggle with expectations or expressing our needs, and that doesn’t mean people should routinely dismiss us when we ask them to listen. I’m therefore more inclined to think the problem is in these friendships, which do not sound particularly deep or connected. The way you describe them sounds more like community service—you’re happy to help people, they keep coming back for more—than friendship. And that concerns me. Absolutely do volunteer, just don’t do it under the guise of supposed-to-be-reciprocal friendships. If these relationships feel fundamentally unfair to you, please let them go.

The people who have been coming to you for support will find someone else to talk things out with. In the meantime, you are on a mission to find a better friendship. Go out to events, join groups and clubs, make small talk in the grocery store. Volunteer! You’re good at it! Surround yourself with other people, and look, in those crowds, for even a single person who eases your loneliness. I promise they are out there.

Finally, I know you said that what you want to vent about doesn’t have the gravity of “therapy issues,” but…are you in therapy? If not, may I recommend it? A therapist would be such a meaningful support here, not for sharing about your terrible day at work (though that’d be fun, too!) but for chewing through a question like, “Do I expect too much?” That’s a real and profound dilemma, and it deserves more room than you’ll ever get from an advice columnist. You deserve that caring, attentive, expansive space to speak into. You deserve to get what you need.

Dear Prudence,

A few months ago, my high school best friend came to visit my city and stayed with me for a long weekend. It was great to see her and to catch up for a few days. The problem is that when she visited, we posted pictures on social media of her stay, and a mutual friend from school, “Angie,” now wants to come to visit. I still chat regularly with Angie on social media, but I really do not want her to visit. She is very high-maintenance in a helpless sort of way, where she has very specific ideas of what she wants to do and will cry if people don’t agree to them (i.e. a group votes to go to a different restaurant than what she wants, or she has to get an Uber instead of someone driving her home). Angie is now reaching out and saying, “I want to visit sometime in the next year, what weekends are good for you? Open your calendar app and let’s pick one.” I’ve tried dodging the conversation, but now apparently she’s crying to other people and telling them that I “must like [best friend] better than me.” My husband has said we should just tell a lie to get her to back off (like say our landlord has started forbidding guests), but I feel like that’s just going to bite us if someone calls us out. What should we do?

—Glad I Don’t Still Live In My Hometown

Dear Glad I Don’t,

“Hey Angie, sorry I haven’t gotten back to you sooner on this! [Best friend’s] visit was a big lift for us so we’re going to hold off on having more houseguests for the foreseeable.” If you’re up for it, you can add that you’d be happy to help her find a different place to stay and to hang out with her while she’s in town, but if you’re not, just use the script above and handle her reaction as it comes. And if, when you have another guest in the future, Angie circles back to this conversation, you can either re-up the same excuse or tell her the truth: that your friendship just isn’t close enough these days to be sleeping over at each other’s homes.

—Julia

When Delia Cai Was Guest Prudie

“Kelly” and “Lily” and I have been a trio of friends for years and lived in the same town until Kelly moved about a year ago. Leading up to her move, I felt somewhat sad, but honestly mostly relieved she was out of my day-to-day life. I love her very much as a friend, but I’m happier that she’s a “catch up once a month on the phone” kind of a friend now and not a two-three times a week hang. Lily and I still see each other often and are closer than ever. Kelly recently came into town, and it was so nice for the three of us to get together! We got a bit carried away and decided we all absolutely had to take a trip to Portugal together this winter…